Hi I’ve moved into here rather than keep the thread going in the welcome forum.
I have just lost my friend to brain cancer and spent many years not in touch other than an occasional Facebook message.
When I heard how ill she was I visited her in the hospital, I saw her 3 times before she passed.
The whole thing has hit me very hard, I didn’t expect it to as we weren’t close for a long time. I keep having a good cry and keep replaying the 3 visits over and over in my head.
But I can’t remember what she looked like when I last saw her. I can remember she had lost her hair and that her lips and mouth were very dry and sore looking but I cannot put it together into one image of her.
I feel guilt over losing touch and not being more proactive in getting back in touch. I always made excuses not to meet up when she asked because I had really ballooned in weight since she last saw me and I was too ashamed to go. How stupid is that? Vanity.
I feel guilty that I am feeling so bad, it’s like I don’t have the right to be this upset. Her family and partner were there with her for all the time and they should feel worse than me.
I feel guilty that people are giving sympathy to me about it, why have I told people about it all, am I after attention? I could have left it to her family to put it on Facebook but I did it and am getting lots of messages of sympathy which I don’t deserve. It’s the same at work, I told people all about what was happening- why? To gain their attention and sympathy? They didn’t know her so there was no real reason to discuss it with them. Yet I still did.
I feel like I’m a horrible person. And I sit here crying over the loss in my own private pity party.